hey
its me again
deciding to post again
feeling a teensy tiny bit existential thinking about everything
when i look back at my posts from 2013, i can remember the pain i was going through then. i remember how i felt and that sadness still sits somewhere really deep inside the recesses of my brain folds. i felt very very out of place, very very on the outside. as if there was something innately dark and out of place and blatantly wrong with me that wasn't present in those around me. honestly i think i simultaneously expected too much and not enough. i didnt realize that i deserved more than what was given to me, i deserved to be happy and loved and appreciated and to feel like i was so very wanted. but instead i stuck by my classmates who hurt me, older men who hurt me, internet strangers who hurt me. sometimes i feel really resentful over my childhood, why couldn't i have been more innocent? however, i suppose i accept that hindsight is 20/20 and i was doing what i really thought was right at the time.
i know im really happy right now, maybe not in this exact moment, but as in day to day life. i have a lot of considerate, loving, friends; im standing up to those who dont treat me like i know i deserve to be treated. i feel very present in my brain and that is a satisfactory feeling. even if i look back upon this in a month or a year or a couple years and regret every single thing i said, right now it feels good. and im going to be 20 soon.
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