i want to be happy

its been a rough 548 days.

im now going to write down what i want to hear.

im going to be so happy! good times are coming! the best parts of my life havent even started yet, i have so much to look forward to. i have so many new experiences and emotions waiting for me, i just have to be patient. i just have to keep trying. i will be so happy and grateful to myself for sticking through all the shit. i will experience happiness that i didnt even know was possible. my life has been especially draining, but ive held on this long and things are only going to get better! my life is worth so much, and i wouldnt give it up for anything because i love experiencing emotions, good and bad.

i will go roller skating and eat cherry jolly ranchers.

i will celebrate the 4th of july with a bedsheet and chicken salad sandwiches. 

i will dive to the bottom of a deep pool and enjoy the silence.

i will go outside! enjoy the fresh air and the sun and even if its cold ill appreciate it!! 

i will go see christmas lights! ill put on a sweatshirt and get 7-11 hot chocolate with vanilla creamer.

IM ALMOST 20 YEARS OLD D:

 hey

its me again

deciding to post again

feeling a teensy tiny bit existential thinking about everything

when i look back at my posts from 2013, i can remember the pain i was going through then. i remember how i felt and that sadness still sits somewhere really deep inside the recesses of my brain folds. i felt very very out of place, very very on the outside. as if there was something innately dark and out of place and blatantly wrong with me that wasn't present in those around me. honestly i think i simultaneously expected too much and not enough. i didnt realize that i deserved more than what was given to me, i deserved to be happy and loved and appreciated and to feel like i was so very wanted. but instead i stuck by my classmates who hurt me, older men who hurt me, internet strangers who hurt me. sometimes i feel really resentful over my childhood, why couldn't i have been more innocent? however, i suppose i accept that hindsight is 20/20 and i was doing what i really thought was right at the time.

i know im really happy right now, maybe not in this exact moment, but as in day to day life. i have a lot of considerate, loving, friends; im standing up to those who dont treat me like i know i deserve to be treated. i feel very present in my brain and that is a satisfactory feeling. even if i look back upon this in a month or a year or a couple years and regret every single thing i said, right now it feels good. and im going to be 20 soon. 

 i love my  new blog <3

stan sevnentene 6and 707 and saiki k and idk everyone from danganronpa tbh

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